Probably Wouldn't Be This Way
by MDiva22
Summary: AU How do you pick up the pieces and move on when you lose the one person who made you whole?


Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

Author: Meagan

Email: G

Angsty/Song Fic/Drabble

Author's Notes: This is based on the LeAnn Rimes song, "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way." Listening to the song kind of sets the stage for the influence, but the lyrics won't appear in the story and you don't have to listen to the song while you're reading it.

-Thank you to Ivana for being my Beta on this! I really appreciate it!

Feedback: PLEASE! I love hearing if you think its good or not, and what I can change for new fics!

She parked the car in the same spot as always. Getting out, the scent of freshly mowed grass and fresh flowers invaded her senses. She gazed around and noticed subtle changes to the familiar surroundings. A few new bouquets here and there, a new shepherd crook to her left, to the outside observer it was a beautiful place. Taking a deep sigh, Buffy turned and walked towards the all too familiar spot.

"Hey, I know it's been a while, life's been pretty crazy lately," she says, placing the red roses next to the stone. "I have a date next week, Willow's been trying to set me up with this guy from her office for the past few months, I finally said yes. I hear he's a little odd, but we'll just have to see."

Buffy stops talking as a car drives slowly down the path, stopping a few yards from her, a young couple gets out. She turns her attention back to the cold stone in front of her.

"I finally moved out of the house. I'm living a few miles away now, in a little apartment building. It's nice, nothing fancy, but it's simple and safe. I just couldn't stand to be in that big house without you." She moves her hand up to wipe away a stray tear that is inching down her face.

"I've been trying, really I have, and I've tried because I know it's what you would want me to do, to go on living. They told me it would hurt less over time and that the only thing to do was try to move on." Buffy turns her head as the couple gets back in the car and leaves.

"I just want to scream at them, HOW? How do you move on and live your life without the one person who made it worth living. God, we had so many plans, going to Ireland for a second honeymoon, starting our family, taking our kids to Disneyworld for a vacation, being happy and living happily ever after."

"_Honey? What are you doing?" Buffy says to her husband looking at the mess of brochures lying on the kitchen table._

"_Planning our vacation, I figure if we plan it now then it will already be done and we don't have to worry about it later." He said excitedly._

"_You do realize that you are planning a vacation for when our 'not yet conceived' children are at least 5 years old, right." She questioned, raising an eyebrow as she noticed the child-friendly destinations he had picked out._

"_Of course, but there's nothing wrong with getting a jump start right?"_

"_Well, no, but don't you thi…"_

"_Great now lets go work on the conceiving part," her husband said throwing her over his shoulders and heading to the bedroom._

Tears track down her face, a familiar sensation she has become accustomed too. "I know, I'm going on and on now its just…I miss you." She whispers the last few words, as if the person she is speaking to is standing behind her.

"I try to think of what it would be like if we had never met, if you hadn't ran me down outside the library that day"

"_Willow, what was the name of that book you wanted aga..." Buffy said into her cell phone but was cut off as she was knocked to the ground. "Hey! Watch where you're going," she said looking up at the guy who ran her over._

"_I am so sorry," he said, reaching a hand out to help her up. "I'm late for class and you moved right was I was going around you."_

_Buffy didn't hear his excuse; she was too captivated by the dark brown orbs staring down at her. He had to be the most beautifully handsome man she had ever seen. _

"_Its alright, I'm fine." Buffy said, surprised that her voice was even working. _

"_Are you sure? I feel really bad; can I buy you a cup of coffee later? To make up for the collision?"_

"_Sure, that'd be nice." She smiled at him. "I'm Buffy." _

"_Angel"_

Buffy smiled at the memory, she had never believed in love at first sight, a belief that had gotten her in trouble when her English classes discussed Romeo and Juliet. That was until she had seen him. They went for coffee that night, started dating the next week, engaged by the following fall, and married the next summer. It was a whirlwind romance, they were in love and nothing could change that.

"I wake up every morning thinking that it was a dream, and you'll be beside me in our bed, that the last two years were a horrible nightmare, but I wake up and it's not our bed I wake up in, and you're not there. I don't know how many mornings I would open my mouth to yell your name and then realize that you won't come into the room." Her breathing hitches as the constricting pain seizes her throat. She fights the tears she can feel coming, as she remembers the day her life came crashing down.

" _So, big anniversary today Buff-ster," Xander said._

"_Yeah Buffy, the four year mark! How long till I have little surrogate nieces and nephews running around?" Said Willow. _

_Buffy laughed at her two best friends and neighbors. She and Angel had met the couple when they moved into their new house._

"_Soon I hope. Angel and I said we would wait till we were secure in all aspects of our lives before we entered kids into the equation. Now, we're settled into the house, our jobs are great and we're almost done with the student loans. God, I can't wait to have kids!" _

"_What time are you and Angel going out?" Willow said looking at her watch._

"_As soon as Angel gets home, he had a meeting that started late, but he called and said he was just leaving so he should be home anytime, so I should go," Buffy said._

"_See ya," Xander said_

"_Bye, and don't forget, I want details tomorrow!" Willow exclaimed as Buffy opened the door and walked across the yard to her home._

_Ten minutes later, she emerged from the bedroom in the dress she had bought for the special occasion. The dark green silk was tight in the bodice and flared slightly from the hips, stopping above her knee. Her new, black Steve Madden heeled sandals had diamonds across the toes and her hair was done up in curls. She walked down the stairs and waited for Angel. Noticing that he should have been home twenty minutes ago, Buffy called his cell, no answer. "He probably is stuck in traffic and has his music up," She thought. A half hour passed and still no Angel. Now she was starting to worry. Buffy picked up the phone to try his cell again, when there was a knock on the door. Thinking he had forgotten his key again, she opened the door, but Angel wasn't on the other side. _

"_Mrs. Roarke, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your husband has been in an accident," said the uniformed officer. _

_In that moment, every hope, every dream she had of their future came crashing down around her._

"I couldn't think, I couldn't move. The next thing I remember, I was at the hospital and the doctor was telling me that you were de…" She couldn't finish. She couldn't say that word, not when it came to him. The police officer had said it was a teenager, a kid, who was too busy changing the radio to notice the stop sign. His car had hit her husband's side as he was rushing home to her.

"I met him a month ago, the kid. Willow went with me, when she told him who I was, he cried. He said he was sorry and he wouldn't blame me for never forgiving him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hate him. I know that you wouldn't want me too. He couldn't have known what would happen." Glancing around she noticed the sun starting to sink in the sky. She looked at her watch and realized she had been there for close to two hours.

"I hate leaving you here; I wish I could stay here with you forever, it hurts to go back and pretend like I am okay, that I'm surviving. The truth is everyday it feels like more of me is dying. I sleep with your pillow every night, having it there is almost like you're there protecting me. But this morning, I couldn't smell your cologne anymore. It was gone, and I cried, I cried until I couldn't anymore." Buffy stopped as more tears fell from her eyes and her throat constricted.

"I tried to go on, I tried to live, but I can't. It was supposed to be us, forever. We were supposed to get our happily ever after, and I don't understand why you're gone, why wasn't it me, WHY!" she screamed. "You were always stronger; you could have gone on without me. I can't do this. It hurts so much; it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every day." She tried to catch her breath, but the pain and the tears weren't allowing her too.

"Why did I have to fall for you so hard, I hate you for that you know, I hate that I need you here with me. I hate that you had to run into me and I couldn't turn you down for coffee. Maybe if I had you would still be here. We may not have been together, but you would still be alive." Gazing at the stone, she reached out to touch the letters engraved on the cold marble.

"But, if I hadn't met you, I would never have known what it was like to love someone so completely. To know that no matter what, you would always love me. I know you're there. Sometimes I can feel you watching over me. Every time, I want to end the pain, I can feel you; soothing me and making me believe I can go on another day. Mom, Willow and Xand don't think I should keep coming here. They don't understand, its here that I can truly feel you, it's like you're here listening. I should go, the sun's setting, you always hated when I was by myself at night. I'm not sure when I'll be back, when I do, I'll make sure to tell you how that date went, you'll probably already know though. I love you." Buffy leaned over and kissed the name. Standing, she slowly walked back to her car, savoring the light breeze that circled her like a lover's caress.


End file.
